Friday, July 29, 2005

Top 100 Movie Quotes, #40-#31


Pedro Cerrano: Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.
Eddie Harris: You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.
Jake Taylor: Harris.
Pedro Cerrano: Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.
Eddie Harris: You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?

Ah, President Cerrano the Insurance Salesman, welcome to the list. Here's another quote that tends to get a lot of mileage, especially when someone on our church team swings and misses. Come to think of it, even with a nice A.Fuente 8-5-8 and a bottle of Captain Morgan, Jobu never did show up and help me find my power swing. Up your butt, Jobu!


Michael: My father made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
Kay Adams: What was that?
Michael: Luca Brasi, held a gun to his head, and my father assured him, that either his brain or his signature would be on the contract.

Hopefully you didn't think we'd make it through my whole list without a Godfather quote or two. The "offer he can't refuse" is certainly a classic reference, but I prefer the exposition Michael provides to the gravelly simplicity of Vito's version.


Michelle: This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.

This line was a bolt out of the blue in my first viewing of the movie. Here we sit, expecting another long and lame story about band geeks, but tasty Alyson Hannigan (even though she's the "nerd" to the supposedly hotter Tara Reid and Shannon Elizabeth, she comes off far sexier) throws the curveball. The great Chevy Chase foreshadowed this great line years earlier, as Ty Webb informed us that "A flute without holes is not a flute."


Happy Gilmore: Step right up, folks. See if you can out-drive the Amazing, uhhh, Golf Ball, uhhhhhhhh, Wacker Guy!

There's not much to add to this line, as it more or less speaks for itself. It's oft-quoted in my circle of friends, often with "softball" substituted for "golf ball."


Jay: [singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what?
Teen #1: What the hell are you singing?
Jay: You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.

Oh, where to begin with this one? First and foremost, it's just a lot of fun to say "Morris Day and the Muthafuckin' Time!" Further, it is a frickin' phenomenal song, and the little concert at the end of the movie was great. Hang in there, Morris...we know you kicked Prince's ass in Purple Rain. You was robbed! Finally, one thing I love about Kevin Smith movies: the cross references within the 5 films. Since Jay has already met God in Dogma, he knows to use the correct pronoun "herself" here. Outstanding!


Axel Foley: What are you all, the second team?
Detective McCabe: We're the first team.
Detective Foster: Yeah, and we're not going to fall for a banana in the tailpipe.
Axel Foley: [Mocking him] You're not going to fall for the banana in the tailpipe? It should be more natural, brother. It shouldflow out, like this - "Look, man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe!" See, that's more natural for us. You been hanging out with this dude too long

One thing that surprised me when I finished selecting the Top 100 was the dearth of Eddie Murphy quotes. He's been in a number of really funny movies, and I expected to end up with lines from films like The Golden Child, Bowfinger, and 48 Hours. Basically, I just loved the actual banana in the tailpape gag, Axel's mockery of Foster, and of course the underlying innuendo.


Holden: So, uh, what do you wanna do tonight?
Banky Edwards: I dunno. Get a pizza, watch "Degrassi Jr. High".
Holden: You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama.
Banky Edwards: I got a weird thing for girls who say, "Aboot."

I love this quote on so many levels. Before anyone knew of Kevin Smith, he and I shared a common obsession with the Canadian series Degrassi Junior High (later Degrassi High). I was within a year or two of the characters' ages when the show debuted, and I just really got into it. It helps that Stacie Mistysyn, who played one of the main female characters (Caitlin) rivaled Alyssa Milano as my early-teens dream girl. I actually ordered the first 2 seasons of the show on DVD just this week, and just last night discovered that one of my good friends also really liked the show back in the day. Furthermore, I'm just a sucker for "oot and aboot," "eh?," the superfluous U, and such. Yay for Canadia!


Jake: Shut up fuckface.
Joe Hallenbeck: I'm fuckface, he's asshole. [Jimmy smiles sarcastically, in agreement]
Scrabble Man: Jake? [Jake punches Joe in the face]
Scrabble Man: Advise Rodney Dangerfield here of the situation. Perhaps we can dispense with the fun and games now, yes?
Joe Hallenbeck: You want the envelope, right?
Scrabble Man: The envelope, very smart. See Jake, here is a man who knows when a situation is untenable.
Joe Hallenbeck: Good word.
Scrabble Man: You like that word? And you do have that envelope, don't you?
Joe Hallenbeck: Better give up, Jimmy. We're dealin' with a couple of geniuses here. [Jake punches Joe again]
Jimmy Dix: Hey man, just leave him the fuck alone. [Jake proceeds to kick Jimmy in the gut] Scrabble Man: Leave him alone? Yeah, sure Jimmy. Whatever you say. Jake here takes his job with a certain exuberance.
Jimmy Dix: Shit, we're being beat up by the inventor of scrabble.

Here's another great exchange from Bruce and Damon. How cool is it that the character is actually credited as "Scrabble Man?" I'll show my 45% nerdy side here and admit that I love playing Scrabble, and am riding a 16-year undefeated streak at the moment (my mom and my friend Jim each tied me once in that span).


Kate: Toe pick!

It's simple and classic. These two words make repeated appearances in many of the funniest scenes, and the quote comes in quite handy anytime one of my friends takes a fall in sports or otherwise.


Stinger: Maverick, you just did and incredibly brave thing. What you should have done was land your plane! you don't own that plane, the tax payers do! Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash. You've been busted, you've lost your qualifications as section leader three times, put in hack twice by me, with a history of high speed passes over five air control towers, and one admiral's daughter!
Goose: Penny Benjamin?

James Tolkan is perfect here as Stinger, and the ego writing checks line is truly inspired. As usual, Goose adds a little extra to a line that was already good. Unable to keep quiet even as he and Mav are berated, he injects a bit of humor, and Cruise's little nod back to him is truly an outstanding subtle touch to the scene.

Top 100 Movie Quotes, #50-#41


Samantha: I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek.

Mmmmmm, Molly Ringwald. I love the incredulous look and tone that go along with this line. "Have I really sunk this low?" "Can this day get any stranger?" I remember the feeling well from the night I got talked into renting Daredevil. Seriously, if you can run Jen Garner around in skintight clothes for 90 minutes and it still really stinks, what does that say about your script, fellas?


Milo: You think you are so fucking cool, don't you? You think you are so fucking cool. But just once, I would like to hear you scream in pain...
Joe Hallenbeck: Play some rap music.

If you haven't seen this movie, you're missing out. Chris Tucker, et al, owe a great deal to Bruce Willis, perhaps the master of the funny action movie. Bad guy Milo, played to the hilt of smarminess by the underrated Taylor Negron, figures into many of the film's best lines. Willis and the writers share credit here for the barrage of witty comebacks, expertly delivered. Plus, anyone who's heard any rap music in the last 10 years can attest to the truth in Hallenbeck's words.


Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy Gilmore: [laughing] you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter McGavin: No...

I asked Shooter to tell me about this quote over dinner at Red Lobster, but he never showed up. Jackass! The exchanges between Happy and Shooter are some of the best scenes in the movie, and this scene in the bar stands out in particular. Shooter's dumbfounded "No!" always elicits a chuckle.


Elwood: Illinois Nazis.
Jake: I hate Illinois Nazis.

Once again, the deadpan delivery by those Good Ole' Blues Boys Brothers Band guys makes for a classic line. I never even knew there were Nazis in Illinois. Well, aside from the Blackhawks owner, that is.


John Bender: Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?
Brian Johnson: Uh, no. Mr. Johnson.

This is a generally-forgotten line when people quote this John Hughes classic, but I love the interplay here. Again, in the "how the mighty has fallen" category, we see Judd Nelson. Judd went from Brat Pack superstar, to second fiddle to Brooke Shields in a weak comedy, to generic evil man in Lifetime Movies of the Week? His brief appearance in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is a recent high point ("Let's go back to the station and cornhole us a drunk"). Anthony Michael Hall's career, much like my athletic ability, peaked around age 16 and faded quickly thereafter. In this short exchange, however, they're forever young and on the prowl for their next coke binge.


Steve McCroskey: Bad news. The fog’s getting thicker.
Johnny: [jumps behind large man, grabs the man’s belly and jiggles it] And Leon’s getting laaaaaaaaaaaarger!

If Stephen Stucker accomplished nothing else in his life, he'd still be able to claim that he played the funniest character in one of the funniest movies of all time. Every time the slight, bald, and thuper flight control assistant appears on screen, one of the movie's best lines is sure to follow. It must have been a joy to play this part, knowing that he could completely ham up every scene. The sight of Johnny, pouncing catlike into the screen and grabbing the rotund extra's gut, is just a bonus in addition to Stucker's hilarious voice.

44. BIG

Susan: I want to spend the night with you.
Josh: Do you mean sleep over?
Susan: Well... yeah.
Josh: Well, okay... but I get to be on top.

I so enjoy the double-entendre. Sometimes people tend to forget just how many good movies Tom Hanks has made, and Big is one of these oft-forgotten gems. Now, I'm unconvinced that a boy of 12 would be oblivious to the sexual meanings here, but it's still played very well.


Sissy: "See, Jussy and I are putting together this documentary for our human sexuality class and we need a male perspective on the clitoris."
Jay: "The female clitoris?"
Sissy: "Uh, yeah."

J&SBSB is another movie for which I had difficulty narrowing a long list of great quotes down to a few to make the list. I really do enjoy this scene in particular, as J&SB, along with the girl gang, prepare for the big "monkey heist." In addition to the excellent eye candy, it brings us the beginning of the running C.L.I.T. jokes and sets up the outstanding scene with Jon Stewart and Will Ferrell on the news show.


Carole: Hey Goose you big stud!
Goose: That's me, honey.
Carole: Take me to bed or lose me forever.
Goose: Show me the way home, honey.

I can't say with any great certainty, but I do believe this movie established my thing for Meg Ryan. I absolutely love her character in Top Gun, with her mix of looks, sweetness, and bit of a dirty side. As I warned you previously, Mother Goose is a frequent contributor to this list. Plus, "Take me to bed or lose me forever" is an outstanding flirting line for general use.


Inigo Montoya: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
Westley: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.

The initial meeting of two of the three best characters (Vizzini being the third) produces many great lines, but this was my choice. I enjoy the foundation this early mutual respect sets for their eventual partnership. Like Stephen Stucker earlier, Cary Elwes can always say he played a great character in a great movie. Yes, I know he was decent in Hot Shots as well, but after Princess Bride, an actor does not have much of anywhere to go but down.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Top 100 Movie Quotes, #60-#51


[Willie Mays Hayes has just made a 'basket catch' to end the inning]
Lou Brown: Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fuckin' do it again.

Ahhh, comedy and baseball. What a lovely pair. This quote makes the list because I use it quite often. Most of my friends know and enjoy this movie, so they get the quotes easily. Plus, playing ball gives plenty of opportunities for using this line or a variation thereof. It would've ranked higher, but it lost a few points because it's really easy to forget to edit out the f-bomb when playing in a church league.


Tommy DeVito: But, I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to fuckin' amuse you?

This line is so well-known and oft-quoted that it has almost become a parody of itself. Still, Pesci again displays great acting talent by portraying an Italian-American very naturally, nailing the line. When I think of this movie, this quote is the first thing that comes to mind. Nothing funny about that.


Fletch: Aren't you gonna read me my rights?
Cop: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have your face kicked in by me. You have the right to have your balls stomped on by him.
Fletch: I'll waive my rights.

Chevy completes his trifecta here, with the great deadpan delivery for which he's known. If you can watch Fletch without laughing numerous times, you're either just off the boat from Durkadurkastan or you're clinically dead. If you were this funny, and a young, single female, I'd marry you. But I guess he's Chevy Chase...and you're not.


Grace: Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.

Edie McClurg, sounding like a Minnesoooootan transplanted to the Chicago suburbs, makes this quote memorable. It's too bad none of the dweebies, wasteoids or sluts in high school thought I was a righteous dude.


Shoeless Joe Jackson: Is this heaven?
Ray Kinsella: No, it's Iowa.

I'm somewhat ashamed to say that this is the only quote from Field of Dreams to make the list. When I went back through the quotes I'd assembled for this movie, I found many good ones, but very few great ones. This one resonates with me on a couple of levels. First, if I get to see heaven, I hope there's an immaculately-maintained baseball diamond there. Second, as a White Sox fan, I see the character of Shoeless Joe, and his unjust banishment from the game makes me cheer his opportnuity to play, albeit a fictional one. If you believe that a guy who hit .375 with 6 RBI in that World Series was throwing games, please accept my invitation to engage in real estate transactions with me at your earliest convenience. In fact, in one of its few moments of blinding lucidity, the U.S. Congress even passed a resolution railing against the injustice.


Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.

This is another popular line in my household. Not only is it very chuckle-worthy on its own, but it makes a great snide aside to a friend when someone else has gotten on your nerves.


King Jaffe Joffer: So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.

If I'd mentioned at the beginning that only one quote on the list was spoken by James Earl Jones, I doubt you'd have guessed it was from this film. Mr. This Is CNN narrowly missed a trifecta of his own with some very good lines as Darth Vader and Terence Mann, but he'll have to settle for an amusing turn in this small role. Even if the line was separated from the immortal voice, it would still ring both true and funny. Add the sonorous Mr. Jones, and we have a classic.


Skip: You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!
Larry: Lollygaggers!
Skip: Lollygaggers.

You had to know we wouldn't go too long between Bull Durham quotes, and here's another outstanding one. "Lollygagger" has to be one of the best insults one could use in polite company. and the delivery and interplay between the manager, coach, and scared young ballplayers are priceless. This is yet another quote that gets heavy use among my softball teammates and friends.


[Watching Flounder take abuse at ROTC]
Otter: He can't do that do that to our pledges.
Boon: Only we can do that to our pledges.

If you, like me, joined a fraternity in college, odds are that you can and do/did quote this line easily and often. Of course, it's a funny line even in isolation, but it really speaks to the nature of most friendships. If I removed "our pledges" and inserted the name of any of my good friends, this quote would still apply. Most of us are willing to give our friends all kinds of crap, but the moment an outsider attempts it, we rush to the friend's defense. See, just when you thought it was all fun and games, I find depth in Animal House, of all places.


Maverick: [spots Charlie for the first time] She's lost that loving feeling.
Goose: She's lo... [catches up]
Goose: No she hasn't.
Maverick: Yes she has.
Goose: [objecting] She's not lost that lo...
Maverick: Goose, she's lost it man. [walks off]
Goose: [to Mav] Come on! [to himself]
Goose: Aw sh... I hate it when she does that.

Even if you don't have a friend nicknamed Goose, and even if you didn't get a bunch of your buddies together to gang up on him in a bar and make him sing this song to a cute girl, this is a great sequence. Now, add in the fact that I did, in fact, participate in such shenanigans. It's a wonder this one didn't crack the top 50.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Top 100 Movie Quotes, #70-#61


Princess Leia: I love you.
Han Solo: I know.

The love/hate, David-and-Maddie-Moonlighting relationship between these two was very nicely developed from their initial meeting in Star Wars (A New Hope) through this point in Empire Strikes Back. This quote was both written and delivered perfectly for the characters, and it gets bonus points for almost allowing us to forget Leia tried to make out with her own brother earlier.


Jane Aubrey: What if my face was all scraped off and I was totally disfigured and had no arms and legs and I was completely paralyzed. Would you still love me?
Billy Chapel: No. But we could still be friends.

Here, we find the third and least-known of the Costner Baseball Trilogy. This line adds a nice comic touch to the end of every man's favorite conversation: the "would you still love me if" death march.


Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - brousing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

Chevy is back, again with perfect comedic delivery. Christmas Vacation is easily the most uniformly funny of the Vacation series, with a number of great quotes that barely missed the cut. This one also receives bonus points because it's one of the few movie references my roommate actually gets.


Richard Vernon: What was that ruckus?
Andrew Clark: Uh, what ruckus?
Richard Vernon: I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus.
Brian Johnson: Could you describe the ruckus, sir?

Even the jock and the nerd find a bit of their "criminal" side, protecting Bender (who suffers here without Leela, Fry, and Dr. Zoidberg) from Dick "Barry Manilow" Vernon. Nice to see the kids mess with the bull, while avoiding getting the horns.


[Larry jogs out to the mound to break up a players' conference]
Larry: Excuse me, but what the hell's going on out here?
Crash Davis: Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live... is it a live rooster?
[Jose nods]
Crash Davis: . We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present. [to the players]
Crash Davis: Is that about right? [the players nod]
Crash Davis: We're dealing with a lot of shit.
Larry: Okay, well, uh... candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get two! Go get 'em.

If you've ever wondered what everyone's talking about during those long meetings on the mound, now you know. Robert Wuhl turns in a great performance here as Larry, not losing composure at all when dealing with the oddities of minor league baseball.


Sonny: Congratulations! You and "Big Boobs" McGee are gonna get along just fine.
Kevin: Don't call her "Big Boobs" McGee.
Sonny: You're going to explain to your kids that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?
Kevin: Sonny that was five years ago! She's a doctor now, and my fiance. So from now on, Dr. "Big Boobs" McGee.

Sandler completes his trifecta here, as Sonny Koufax joins Bobby Boucher and Happy Gilmore on the list. I like this quote for a few reasons. First of all, my friends and I used the nickname "Big Boobs McGee" for a few people back before this movie ever came out, so we had a rare pre-reference. Second, Jon Stewart is one of the most entertaining humans on this slighty ovoid rock of ours. Finally, recalling my love for character development, I love how it sets Kevin up as whipped, but with a sense of humor about it.


Elaine Dickinson: Would you like something to read?
Hanging Lady: Do you have anything light?
Elaine Dickinson: How about this leaflet, "Famous Jewish Sports Legends?"

Speaking of Koufax (Sandy, probably the only one who'd appear in the leaflet), I'm not sure why I love this line, but I do. Guess I'm just a sucker for the play on the term "light" reading. Besides, any line from Airplane! could justifiably occupy any spot on this list.


James Carter: You know, we could have been a good couple. We could have had something special. But you one crazy-ass bitch!

So many times, I've restrained myself from speaking this line out loud to a woman. I think what makes it truly funny are the great delivery (think: Craaaaaaaazy-ass BITCH!) and the fact that it resonates with something in the lives of at least a vast majority of men.


Vinny Gambini: Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?
Mona Lisa Vito: You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Do you two know each other?
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, she's my fiancée.
Judge Chamberlain Haller: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

A big-city Italian experiences culture shock while voyaging to the American South. I wonder why I feel some sort of connection to this movie. While the script is very good, I think the casting made both this quote and this film a classic comedy. Pesci and Tomei played the Dago act to prefection (what a stretch, huh?), and Herman Munster drawled his way through a nice performance as the judge.


Lloyd Dobler: I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.

The Cusack Factor appears again! This line would've been pretty good if spoken by any actor this side of Bill Shatner, but Cusack just absolutely nails the character and elevates the line to "Top 100" status. This movie is aptly named. I, too, would say anything to get Ione Skye.

July Madness

For all those who, like me, watch a lot of ESPN...

A couple of Braves fans (we won't hold it against them) have created the "Road from Bristol." A bracket of 64 ESPN "personalities" (and in many cases I use the term loosely) has been set up, and each day or two, matchups are posted, with reader comments determining the "winner." Readers are instructed to give their votes to the more annoying of the two, with the "winner" moving on toward the goal of an eviction from the posh Bristol, CT studios.

The #1 seeds are Dick Vitale, Stephen A. Smith, Chris Berman, and Stuart Scott. My bracket predicts Stu boo-yahing his way to a slight victory over Stephen A. in the final.

If you like ESPN, like to laugh, and enjoy mocking the inane and pompous (and who doesn't?), check out the Road From Bristol.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Top 100 Movie Quotes, #80-#71


Doug: Hey, there's only two things I do well, sweetheart, and skating's the other one!

This is a wonderfully adaptable line, as the user can just replace "skating" with any other activity. The Cutting Edge is a surprisingly good movie overall. It looks deceptively like a chick flick at first glance, but turns out to be a very solid comedy. Moira Kelly continues her trend of being very good in everything but the first season of West Wing. In fact, fans of the show often say a character who disappears from the show with no warning is exiled to "Mandyville" (after Moira's character's name). But all of this aside, I can't skate, but I'd do the "other" thing with her any day.


Police Dispatcher: Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers HAS been approved.

And you thought only the LAPD had mastered the use of unnecessary violence. Oh no, Chi-town was representin' 25 years ago (I am so ridiculously white...can't even say that line out loud with a straight face). If any movie has ever had a better chase scene than this one, I have not witnessed it. For anyone who's ever been on the Kennedy or the Dan Ryan in rush hour, the piles of wrecked Chicago police cars bring to mind the happiest of daydreams.


[LaLoosh challenged Davis to a fight]
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I don't hit no man first.
Crash Davis: All right, then... [throws him a baseball]
Crash Davis: ... hit me in the chest with that.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I'd kill you!
Crash Davis: Yeah? From what I hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a fucking boat.

OK, if you know me at all, you're already aware that I'm quite the fan of inventive and witty insults. If anyone remembers the "lesson" Nuke learns from this fight, you'll be rewarded by seeing it later in the list.


Ted: OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Bill, Ted: 69, dudes.
Bill, Ted: Whoa.

The scene in which the "present" and "future" Bills and Teds meet is one of my favorites. There were many other worthy lines from this movie, but this one won out over "Put them in the Iron Maiden" and "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K."


Janie: The 10:15 event has been moved inside to the Indian Treaty Room.
President Andrew Shepherd: 10:15 is American Fisheries?
Janie: Yes sir. They're giving you a 200-pound halibut.
President Andrew Shepherd: Janie, make a note. We need to schedule more events where somebody gives me a really big fish.
Janie: Yes sir. [starts making note]
President Andrew Shepherd: Janie, I'm kidding.
Janie: [Stops and starts to smile] Of course, sir.

Every time I watch this movie, this line gets a chuckle, so it scores points for longevity and repeatability. Although it was certainly not an issue upon my first viewing, I now do a double-take every time Martin Sheen says "Mr. President."


Young Boy with Coffee: I thought you might like some coffee. [Sits beside a Little Girl who takes a cup]
Young Boy with Coffee: Cream?
Little Girl: No thanks, I take it black, like my men

Everything leading up to the punchline is set up perfectly here. The kids behave as very polite adults, and the viewer chuckles a bit at the formality. Then, out of nowhere, we find out little-what's-her-name has a bad case of jungle fever, and the boy's reaction shot is absolutely flawless. Ah, where have you gone, Zucker, Abrahams, and Zucker.


Happy Gilmore: You're gonna die, clown.

Even though it's just a game of mini golf, this scene is a great reminder of how frustrating sports can be. It would be wonderful if we were all able to cut loose like Happy when things don't work out on the field. Also, this quote is easily usable in any number of situations, which adds immensely to its value.


Bobby Boucher: Everything is the devil to you, Mama! Well, I like school, and I like football! And I'm gonna keep doin' them both because they make me feel good!
Bobby Boucher: [Bobby runs out, slamming the door, then comes back in] And by the way, Mama. "Alligators" are ornery 'cause of their “medula oblongata”!
Bobby Boucher: [Bobby runs back out, then back in again] And I like Vicki, and she like me back! And she showed me her boobies and I like them too!

New Hampshire's finest actor makes back-to-back appearances on the list. Like Kevin Costner, Sandler saves some of his best performances for sports movies (Golf isn't a sport, but at least Happy Gilmore has a bit of hockey to help me through the semantics). As for Bobby's taste, I'll agree on 2 out of 3. Football and Vicki's boobies are quite nice, but unless skipping class to have fun counts, I've never been a big fan of school.


The Sphinx: We are number one. All others are number two, or lower.

If you've never seen Mystery Men, you're not alone. Very few people get this reference. The movie is decent at best, but the "proverbs" spewed by team leader Sphinx are outstanding. After countless gems such as "He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions," The Sphinx's final, victorious proclamation is perfect. After my team won a major softball tournament last year, I looked across the diamond to my good friend and yelled, "We are number one!" Bless that boy, he finished the line perfectly.


Brian Johnson: I'm in the physics club too.
John Bender: Excuse me a sec. What are you babbling about?
Brian Johnson: Well, what I had said was I'm in the math club, uh, the latin, and the physics club... physics club.
John Bender: Hey, Cherry. Do you belong to the physics club?
Claire Standish: That's an academic club.
John Bender: So?
Claire Standish: So academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.
John Bender: Ah... but to dorks like him, they are. What do you guys do in your club?
Brian Johnson: Well, in physics we... we talk about physics, properties of physics.
John Bender: So it's sorta social, demented and sad, but social. Right?

Not only is this a funny quote on its own merits, it is really the turning point of the film, as the 5 Stereotypes (which would also be a cool name for a band) finally start to gain some level of understanding about each other. Of course, true to real life, everyone hooks up but the nerd, who gets the joy of writing a paper. I've often averred that everyone is made up of some combination of the 5 Stereotypes. My breakdown is something like 45% jock, 45% nerd, 10% basketcase, and zero criminal or princess.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Top 100 Movie Quotes, #90-#81


Major Strasser: What is your nationality?
Rick: I'm a drunkard.
Captain Renault: That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

There are certainly more popular and well-worn quotes from Casablanca, but this one resonates with me. This brief exchange provides an early glimpse of the "beautiful friendship" to come for Rick and Louis, with Louis subtly fending off Strasser's questioning of Rick.


Slider: Goose, whose butt did you kiss to get in here anyway?
Goose: Well, the list is long, but distinguished.
Slider: Yeah, well so's my Johnson.

OK, so I'm a sucker for character development quotes. This one, within a few seconds, shows Goose's self-deprecating humor. Likewise, Slider is set up as the embodiment of the cocky, macho pilot.


Billy Clanton: Why, it's the drunk piano player. You're so drunk, you can't hit nothin'. In fact, you're probably seeing double.
Doc Holliday: I have two guns, one for each of ya.

Tombstone was a tough one for me in compiling the list. This movie may very well have more good quotes than just about any other, but in the end, I found it lacking in truly great quotes. Truth is, this particular quote was more or less picked out of a hat from among 8 or 10 Tombstone lines, any one of which could be #88 or #100 or #125.


Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

Parody is one of the most intelligent and least respected forms of art. As with Tombstone, I had a difficult time deciding among many lines from this film. Reluctantly, I finally dumped "She's gone from suck to blow," and settled on this one.


Interviewer: What's your prediction for the fight?
Clubber Lang: My prediction?
Interviewer: Yes, your prediction.
Clubber Lang: Pain!

My list would not be complete without a line from Mr. Laurence Tureaud. What can you say? He's just got the perfect bad-ass delivery. I was kinda hoping he'd follow up this line with "I ain't gettin' on no plane with that crazy foo' Murdock," and then weld something. Oh well, it was pretty good as is. Strangely enough, in person, Mr. T is a really nice guy, at least from what I remember. I met him at his house when I was 10, and it was definitely a very cool experience.


Mike Eruzione: Mike Eruzione! Winthrop, Massachusetts!
Herb Brooks: Who do you play for?
Mike Eruzione: I play for the United States of America!

This line gives me chills. I consider myself a very patriotic person, and the moment when the captain comes to the realization that he's not part of a group of players from different colleges, but a TEAM representing his country, is a truly great scene. I also would have used Al Michaels' immortal line "Do you believe in miracles? Yes!," but I opted to stay away from a line that was already a part of American lore before it was ever used in the movie.


Board Member #1: I've never heard of half these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.
Charlie Donovan: Most of these guys never had a prime.
Board Member #2: This guy here is dead.
Rachel Phelps: Cross him off then.

The scenes in which the team is put together are many of the best in this, possibly the funniest sports movie ever made.


Roman Moroni: You fargin sneaky bastage! I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty son-a-ma-batches. My own club!
Gang Member: What a mouth on that guy!

Here's another extremely funny movie that many people have never seen. Michael Keaton is at his best, and even Joe Piscopo is shockingly entertaining. Plus, Weird Al sings the theme song.


Maitre D': You're Abe Froman?
Ferris: That's right, I'm Abe Froman.
Maitre D': The sausage king of Chicago?
Ferris: [hesitates] Yeah. That's me.

A classic exchange from a classic movie. Who wouldn't love to have Bueller's confidence? Wouldn't it be great to truly believe "A.) you can never go too far, and B.) if I'm going to get caught, it's not gonna be by a guy like that?" If I was a famous person needing an alias at a hotel, I would definitely use "Abe Froman."


Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short, Judge. You're a tremendous slouch.

Chevy Chase holds a special place as one of only three actors to make this list with quotes from three different characters. Plus, I could only dream that golfers would be compared "by height." It'd be my only chance to avoid last place.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Hey now...

No, not you. I'm referring to Miguel Tejada, Mark Buehrle, Mark Teixeira and the like. At 11:30 last night, I felt a profound sense of relief that I hadn't forked out the big bucks to see the game in person. Now, the game wasn't terrible, especially for a ChiSox fan rooting for Buehrle to record the W. However, the weather was not so great, and I can attend 15-20 regular-season games at the same cost as 1 ASG.

Instead of sweltering at the ballpark with my $4.00 Diet Pepsi, I opted to maintain my tradition of inviting friends to watch the game at my place. I grilled burgers and brats, threw some pop and beer in the cooler, and picked up some outstanding pies for dessert. The 20 of us had a nice evening for less than the cost of 1 upper-deck ASG seat. I highly recommend the ASG Party...even if you're not into the game, why pass up a chance to mingle with friends in the summer? So, now that we're past this exhibition (Fox, you can say it counts, but you also claim American I-Dull is entertaining, so your word is no good with me), it's time for me to struggle through the Worst Sports Day of the Year.

Each year, there is only one day devoid of any substantial activity in major sports. No baseball, no football, no basketball (no, women's doesn't count)...not even hockey. You remember hockey, right? Thankfully, I got through the absence of hockey this year by...well, the same way I do every year, more or less ignoring its existence. The "sports" landscape for the day consists of cycling (actual sport, but unwatchable) and non-sports like golf and poker.

But do not despair, my fellow athletic supporters, for the best of times are upon us. Starting tomorrow, baseball pennant races take center stage. For once, it's great to be a Sox fan. We Southsiders not only get to scoff at the sCrUBS, Twinkies, and Tribe, but to dream of the impossible. Now, I've been a fan long enough to know that if the Sox survive September, October is looming to disappoint, but even I am not too jaded to hope that this may be "the one." IF Buehrle can keep twirling his two-hour gems, IF Podsednik (for whom I voted early and often, in the Chicago political tradition) can swipe another 40 bags, IF the Big Hurt and Konerko can keep the dingers coming, and IF Ozzie manages to make it through the year without going the final 2% of the way to crazy, I'll be taking some workdays off to sit at Comiskey (even the great Joan Cusack is not enough to make me use the cell phone company name) in October. If not, it's never too early to get a good spot in the Soldier Field parking lot and start grilling that Polish Sausage.

Right around Labor Day, we will revel in the true joy of sport. With baseball advancing toward the playoffs and pro and college football joining in, this dark day will be relegated to the darkest corners of our memories and the 3am time slot on ESPN2. Until then, three cheers for Lance, Fossilman, and the guys in the funny pants!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Top 100 Movie Quotes, #100-#91


: First you trade the Cadillac for a microphone. Then you lie to me about the band. Now you're gonna put me right back in the joint.
Elwood: They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God.

Gotta love Elwood's deadpan delivery on the repeated "Mission from God" line.


Lou Gehrig: People all say that I've had a bad break, but today... today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

OK, so it's a sappy line from an old movie. Beyond that, it isn't even exactly true to Gehrig's actual speech. I warned you about my affection for baseball movies.


Henry Gibson
: In the past year, over 800,000 millions have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number one killer.

In the words of Brooke Shields, "Smoking kills. And when you're dead, you've lost a very important part of your life." If you have never seen Kentucky Fried Movie, you're missing some of the best lowbrow humor ever produced.


Mr. Newberry: What have you been doing with your life?
Marty: Uh... professional killer.
Mr. Newberry: Oh! Good for you, it's a... growth industry.

This film provides ample support for my Theory of Cusack. Each Cusack appearing in a film increases its quality by a factor of 20-30%. This multiple-Cusack entry shows that the first family of Chicago film can still make a mediocre movie entertaining.


Mark Hunter: I mean, if I knew any thing about love, I would be out there making it, instead of sitting in here talking to you guys.

Here's another of my guilty pleasures. Christian Slater as an awkward-teen-cum-pirate-DJ. The dialogue, while not as impressive as Samantha Mathis' topless scene, is well-written melodrama.


Bill & Ted have just landed the booth in Bill's yard]
Ted: [to Missy] Uh, Ms. Preston. We'd like you to meet some of our... friends.
Bill: Yeah. This is Dave Beeth Oven.
[Beethoven kisses Missy's hand. She laughs
Bill: And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy. Herman the Kid.
Ted: Bob "Genghis" Khan. So-crates Johnson. Dennis Frood. And uh, uh... Abraham Lincoln.

Remember back when this one came out? We all thought Keanu was a great actor for being able to pull off the part of a vapid moron. Then we saw it reprised in Speed, the Matrix, and many others. Only problem was that those movies didn't have a character named Ted "Theodore" Logan.


PAGAN Guard: Don't forget your goat leggings!

This movie is a forgotten gem. Aykroyd and Tom Hanks have many of their best scenes as undercover cops investigating the PAGANs. This line makes the cut on the sheer strength of its silliness.


Goose: The defense department regrets to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid.

One of many Top Gun lines to make the list, and you may notice that all of them somehow involve Goose. If this was a list of top movie characters, it wouldn't be complete without him. The plaque for the alternates (that'd be you, Scientology-boy) is in the ladies room. From revenge of the Nerds and Top Gun to the John Wells disaster-of-the-week drama (ER), and now what? Dinner theater somewhere? Say it ain't so, Anthony.


Lee: You are a civilian. In Hong Kong, *I* am Michael Jackson and *you* are Toto.
James Carter: You mean Tito! Toto is what we ate for dinner last night!

The Rush Hour movies fit into a theme that you will see as the list progresses. I am a sucker for funny action movies, and these certainly fit the bill. The outtakes at the end of this DVD are even funnier than the movie.


[upon first meeting]
Galloway: You're the attorney division assigned?
Kaffee: I'm lead counsel, and this is Sam Weinberg.
Lt. Weinberg: I have no responsibilities here whatsoever.

I'm not sure if this one makes the list due to Kevin Pollak's great delivery, or if my college nostalgia (this was a commonly-used reference in my fraternity house) has just taken over. Either way, we haven't seen the last of this extremely quotable movie. As a bonus, Kevin Bacon's appearance here makes playing "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" much easier.

The Real Top 100 Movie Quotes

As you may know, the AFI recently attempted to justify its existence by compiling its list of the best 100 movie quotes, and broadcasting said list on uber-hip CBS (Slogan: We'll Take Your Mind Off of Your Osteoporosis). While the list did have a smattering of memorable lines, many others were before my time, lame, or a combination thereof. Since I do enjoy the challenge of compiling lists, the time has come to grace you, the bored internet surfer, with the REAL Top 100 Movie Quotes. What makes this list better than the official one (or any others for that matter)? Well, it's mine, for one. You will likely notice that the list is heavily weighted towards films from the past 25 years, comedies, and baseball movies.

A few notes before we begin:

1. If you're offended by profanity, it might be a good idea not to read further.
2. I have added my own comments about individual quotes (in RED).
3. When possible, I will add links to sound files.
4. Please feel free to comment on each group of 10 quotes as it is posted, but hold off on your own favorites or lists until we've reached #1.

So, if you're ready, look up...look, look at Mr. Frying Pan. We'll start with #100-#91.